In my last blog post I wrote about the need to develop healthy boundaries, and doing so is of course vitally important (and can be quite challenging). Creating such boundaries is one thing, but actually executing them – and even responding to challenges to them – is something else entirely. If you are of the mindset that your boundaries are fine the way they are and that they don’t really ruffle any feathers, and thus you’re mostly sheltered from any possible criticism of your own boundaries, I would submit that either one of two things are happening: one, your boundaries aren’t strong enough (and thus could not be considered “healthy”), or two, you haven’t had boundaries for that long and haven’t had the pleasure of having someone objecting to them.
Boundaries are good, boundaries are healthy, and boundaries are necessary for someone to live a whole and full life. But boundaries are also rules, and human nature wants to break rules from time to time, especially when such rules are counter to our own objectives.
Here are three quick ways in which you can respond to people’s objections to your boundaries, and if you haven’t had a chance to ever do so, now’s your chance!
1. Don’t be afraid to admit that your boundary is an actual boundary.
People respond extremely well to transparency as well as honesty, and disclosing the reason for your response to an individual when your boundary is challenged will help to solidify your response and have it come off as credible and responsible.
Example: your friend asks you if you want to go to the movies, and you respond “not tonight,” but that you hope to be able to next week. Your friend fires back that you seem to never say yes anymore when they ask you to go out. You choose to respond that right now you are studying for a final exam in school and you don’t have time to go out like you used to. You also choose to make mention that not going out with friends right now is a boundary you have chosen to put in your life so that you can be successful in school, and that you’re sorry if that might cause a rift in your friendship.
On this topic, also don’t be afraid to ask the other person what boundaries they have in their own life on the relevant topic. In the above example, you could have asked how your friend is able to go out so often when they are in school too, and ask them if there are any boundaries they have with other people to ensure they are acting responsibly. Doing so would show the friend that maybe you’re taking the more responsible path after all, even if they will miss out on your friendship that evening.
2. Boundaries are always open to change, but not in the moment.
The awesome thing about your list of boundaries is that it’s a living document, something that can be changed and edited, added to, deleted from, and molded into something that adds value to your life. But, for the most part, that “document” might as well be written in stone when you are in the moment in which that boundary is needed. Remember from my previous post that boundaries are created ahead of time and for multiple reasons, the biggest of which is boundaries ward against emotions that might be flying high when you are having a conversation with someone.
Example: your sister asks you for money to contribute to her college tuition. She has asked you for money for college two times already, and this third time doesn’t strike you as the last request they might make in the future. You made a boundary after the last request that you would not be giving your sister any more money, but now that she’s here and after hearing the good reasons for why she needs it, you are feeling bad and are seriously considering changing that particular boundary. However, you remember that boundaries should not be edited in the moment, so you tell your sister that unfortunately you will have to turn down her request this time, but that you will give serious thought to it in the days ahead. That way you show that you care enough to give the request further consideration, and you give yourself the time required to fully think through the ramifications of changing your mind (should you choose to do so).
3. Confidence is key.
When people are pushing back against your boundary, often times that push back is going to come hard – really hard sometimes. This is where confidence comes into play: confidence in your own self-worth, confidence in your thought processes leading up to expressing your boundary, and confidence in the theory behind boundaries themselves. When someone comes at you with more passion or more anger than you initially predicted (or maybe did predict even), remember that your boundary is right for you, healthy for you, and that if the individual standing across from you isn’t willing to respect that, perhaps that individual is simply not worth your time.
Example: you have had an abusive boyfriend or girlfriend for six months and you choose to set a boundary and have a conversation with them, letting them know that you will no longer take the abuse and instead they can either continue the relationship with you and respect you along the way, or you can both break up with one another. As you might expect, your controlling and quick-to-anger significant other has some choice words to say about that, and proceeds to tell you that you don’t have the ability to make that decision. You realize that, actually, you do have the right to make that decision, and since you internally realize that your emotional stability is on the line in the relationship, you conclude that the boundary you just mentioned is indeed healthy, and your confidence in that line of thinking is enough to help you walk out and leave that relationship behind (with the assumption that a healthier relationship could be just around the corner!).
Instituting one’s boundaries in life is tough! What are the biggest challenges you’ve faced when it comes to implementing your own? How can you become more confident in your own boundaries? How do you determine how much “push back” you are willing to take from an individual before you deem that person too much grief in your life to continue being friends with them? Answer below and share your thoughts!
