I recently watched the movie Don Jon with the wife (starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Scarlett Johansson) and was left at the end of the movie struck by the commentary the movie had to say in regards to healthy relationships. Without spoiling too much of the movie, the main character lives a pretty narcissistic life, and by the end of the movie realizes that life (and intimate relations and relationships) are much more fulfilling once you start to focus on yourself less and your partner more. Until the end of the movie, he never once considered that there is a “give-and-take” in relationships – heck, he didn’t even take the time to have any real romantic relationships at all.
Halfway through the movie, “Jon” finds himself in a relationship with someone whom, at one point, asks for the complete opposite of his own character – that is, for him to solely focus on his romantic partner to the detriment of himself, tossing out his own needs in lieu of hers. Though I would argue that that part in the movie could have been expressed better, it does bring up an excellent point that focusing solely on another human being isn’t healthy either (and represents a breakdown in boundaries).
To give readers a sense of what a real give-and-take looks like, the first part of this blog series is going to cover the basics of this extremely important relationship dynamic, with future parts focusing on each specific gender (and the needs of each one). That said, onto part one!
1. Without a give-and-take dynamic, it isn’t a real relationship.
The dictionary defines a relationship as an “emotional or other connection between people.” When you think of the word “connection,” what comes to mind? The word “bond” maybe? Or how about link, part, not separate, a unit, cohesion, etc. The idea here is that a relationship encompasses two or more things, never just one. Never just one.
I know this might sound extremely basic but I feel the need to say it anyways: relationships can only work when both people focus on each other’s needs at least as much as they focus on their own. For those of you who find yourself in a narcissistic pattern of behavior, commit to realizing that it takes two to tango, and commit today to some action steps that can show the other person you care for them. For one thing, you may be closer to losing the one you love sooner than you might imagine. And for those of you who are in a relationship and your own needs are being pushed to the side, commit now to a healthier state of mind and assert your needs for once. It may come as a shock to your partner, but quite honestly you certainly deserve it by now – take a moment to realize that you really aren’t in a relationship, but instead are in something completely different (and quite unhealthy).
2. Give-and-take is all about balance.
Think of a healthy relationship as a see-saw (you know, that big wooden plank you would sit on with your friends that scared you when you were growing up). Sometimes you are going to get the attention and focus in the relationship, and other times it’s going to be the other person who needs the focus. That’s fine! But of course, over time, the focus should optimally be spread out evenly and be relatively 50/50 from a bird’s eye view.
Important note: please, please, please do not keep “points” in the relationship! You know, the things you might give yourself when you do something nice that you can then “cash in” at a later time, and in which you compare to the points your partner earns. Keeping points only leads to resentment and doesn’t take into account the ever shifting nature of life. The only exception, of course, being when you’re playing around (I often give myself a million points for just getting up in the morning. My wife doesn’t necessarily agree with that!).
Achieving balance in relationships also means taking time for yourself and not feeling guilty when you do. In fact, in a healthy relationship your partner should give you permission to do so regularly. Just remember that they need time too, so in an organic and free flowing way make sure that each of your needs are being met, and be okay in times of life where the see-saw might be off center for a bit.
3. How to recognize the warning signs.
I would argue that relationships that struggle with give-and-take often do so due to ignorance or laziness; that is, due to either not realizing that there is something wrong in the relationship, or due to one or both people not taking time to check in with their relationship and assess its health on a routine basis. Quick tip: when you’re in a relationship, make the time to ask your partner what they think of the health of the relationship, and if you’re afraid to ask that question that’s a pretty clear warning sign right there.
Other warning signs to be aware of: you find yourself building resentment towards the other person (and often that builds up to a point where you explode after time, and then the cycle repeats and repeats). You find yourself complaining to friends often of the things your partner does wrong versus what they do right. You feel unfulfilled and unsatisfied in your relationship and you don’t know why, or you feel completely fulfilled and satisfied to the point where you never have to give anything of yourself to the other person (or sometimes wonder if the other person’s needs are being met without actually asking them if that’s the case). If any of these are occurring, there is a very good chance that the give-and-take balance of your relationship is quite unbalanced.
4. What to do if you realize your relationship could use help.
Good news, unbalanced relationships can become balanced again! The easiest thing you can do right now, today, is start to have conversations around this topic instead of your usual dinner-time talk. Examples: are your needs being met, what can I do to be a better spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend, how do you feel our relationship is going (without just a one word reply), do you feel that I give just as much as I take in the relationship, and do you have any resentment or concerns that you would like to talk about?
If you are willing to have these conversations, commit to a few things: complete honesty in the answers that you give, humility and patience in how you respond should your partner have a concern they want to talk about, and an urgency inside to respond to any concerns in a timely manner. If these commitments are in place and you do bring up a concern, if your partner loves you they should be willing to work on those, especially if the concern is a whopper (such as “I don’t feel loved in the relationship”). If they’re not willing to (even after multiple attempts to bring up the topic), you may want to consider a more drastic approach such as hiring a coach and/or counselor.
Last resort: break up, which is of course easier and more acceptable and appropriate if you’re just dating (if you are dating, though, remember that you’re worth being focused on you just as much as you focus on them). By the way, isn’t it sad that we have to use the phrase “just as much?” Shouldn’t we substitute that phrase with “just as much, if not more?” Keep that in mind for the next part of the blog, but in the meantime remember this: healthy relationships are a two-way street, and you have an obligation to yourself to ensure your relationship is a healthy one.
Do you have a functioning healthy relationship where each person focuses on the other? Think about the word “resentment” and consider what that means to you in regards to your relationship. What can you do to show your partner you love them this week? Comment below and discuss it!
