One particular question that seems to come up every now and again from my clients is “am I sabotaging my life?”  And to be honest this seems like a very valid question on the surface, especially when life doesn’t seem to be going too smooth.  When life is rough we start to question everything around us, which includes, of course, ourselves.  This path of introspection quite often leads to a cycle of self-doubt that spirals out of control.  “Am I to blame for what’s happening in my life?”  “What did I do to deserve this right now?”  And “is this time ever going to pass?”  Quite simply, when life seems hopeless, insecurities creep in.

However, this specific insecurity (that of sabotaging one’s life) is particularly unhealthy and detrimental to one’s life, and thus this blog post!  I hope by the end you might develop a different view on if you are sabotaging your life or not, understand the significance of what it really means to do so, get a feel for how likely it is, and what to do about it!

1. First things first.

First of all, let’s understand what’s we’re dealing with here.  When someone says they fear that they are “sabotaging their life,” what they are saying is that they fear that they are committing actions and making decisions that are mostly subconscious in nature, and that such thoughts (or motivations) are mostly negative in nature as well.  An example would be that you are doing poorly at work, not because you are bad at what you do, but that really deep down you don’t want (or deserve) your job, and thus your body is making errors at work that normally you wouldn’t make.  The “subconscious action” here is doing poorly at work, and the “subconscious motivation” here is that you don’t deserve your job.  The key word here is “subconscious,” and is of particular importance to our discussion.

2. Why sabotaging our life is easy to believe.

I firmly believe that the biggest reason why most people question whether or not they are sabotaging their life is that it’s a much easier explanation to believe than the other alternatives.  For example, say your recent relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend just ended with them breaking up with you.  Option one is that for some reason or another you want your life to fail, and thus you were taking your significant other for granted because of this underlying desire.  Option two is that you’ve been selfish and should have been paying more attention to your significant other so they would have felt loved and cherished in the relationship.

Which option sounds more appealing?  Option one speaks to actions that were happening subconsciously.  Option two speaks to actions that we were fully aware of.  Option one gives a handy excuse to fall back on, whereas option two provides for no excuse and speaks to bad behavior on our part.

The elephant in the room here is the word “blame.”  I suppose technically you would be to blame in both of these options.  However, I think we can understand that when we blame our subconscious, we feel as if we were prevented from making the bad decisions, since how can we be blamed for something we had no control over?  This series of rationalizations of our behavior systematically shifts the blame from us to some other intangible “entity” that exists “somewhere” that means for us to be harmed.

3. Sabotage vs. self-fulfilling prophecies.

Now, there is a very similar yet much sounder psychological dynamic that could be at work, and that is of course the “self-fulfilling prophecy.”  A rough definition of a self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction for the future that is usually negative in nature, and often represents a fear that we hope will never happen, but in the process of giving in to that fear we find a way to make it happen.  An example would be you fear that you won’t get a good grade in your college class because you’re not smart enough to pass the class.  The “fear” here is one of self-confidence in one’s skills for learning and academic success, and the mindset when “giving in” to this fear leads one to start rationalizing self-destructive behaviors that could prove this fear true.

These behaviors could be expressed in not studying for the exams since “there’s no reason to since I couldn’t pass the class anyways,” or perhaps expressed in the negative self-talk throughout the day that could hamper motivation (such as “I’m not as smart as the rest of my classmates”).

Instead of giving in to such fears, the key is in trying to overcome them, and is where the real solution to the problem lies.  If a class is more difficult than the others, maybe it’s time to study harder than you normally might.  Perhaps there are other students in the class who feel the same way you do, who could form a study group to get past the difficult work.  And staying after class with the professor would obviously be another idea.  Whatever the solution, the answer is confront, battle, overcome, challenge, and fight to achieve your goal – never give in to the fears, which often times aren’t true anyways.

4. The likelihood of sabotage, and what to do about it!

We’re left with this question:  is it possible to sabotage your own life?  The answer is yes, and frankly the situations in which this could happen lie outside the scope of this article, and is probably the domain of a therapist.  However, I would submit that the likelihood of you subconsciously trying to sabotage your life is minimal, and for most of us, simply represents a defense mechanism that attempts to shift blame to anything other than us.  Why would we do this?  What’s the motivation?  Well, why do we lash out at someone when they point out we’re wrong (and we know we’re wrong) about something?  As humans we don’t like to acknowledge the vulnerable and fallible side of ourselves, and acknowledging that our own actions are (partially) what is contributing to our current circumstances speaks to that side of us.

Action step time:  the next time you find yourself wondering if your subconscious is out to destroy you, consider this:  maybe it’s time to confront your circumstances, instead of trying to rationalize them.

When are you most likely to rationalize your behavior vs. owning up to it?  Do you find that support mechanisms like family and friends (and a coach!) help to keep you accountable?  Why do we humans flee from vulnerability so vehemently?  I’d love to hear your thoughts below!