It should come as no surprise that men and women often have different needs when it comes to relationships, so for all you women out there, wouldn’t you like it if your man knew just a little bit more about your needs? That would be a little bit helpful I would think! Of course, you would first have to get him to read this post, but that’s a whole another thing entirely :-)
This blog post, the second of three in a series about the “give-and-take” of relationships, expands on the first post by going deeper into one of the two genders, and attempts to say this: women are unique creatures, and many, many men do not know enough about the needs of women to adequately attempt to address them. And while a quick blog post certainly won’t be enough to change years of difficulty and resentment in a dysfunctional relationship, this post could be seen as something to kick-start your own relationship into the next gear, and to start to meet the needs of the other person for the first time in a long time.
Also, and I can’t say this next part fervently enough, this article is based entirely on generalities. For example, I don’t think it’s entirely unfair to say that, generally speaking, men tend to prefer sports more than women do. That’s not to say that women don’t prefer sports, but generally speaking, more men do than women. This article also does not have a comment on homosexuality, and will assume that the reader will transpose their own moral views and gender identity on the article as they see fit.
This series’ intention is to (hopefully) provide some insight into the different genders and the unique needs of each, and how each can respond to one another’s needs accordingly – not to make blanket, uninformed and un-nuanced statements about one gender or another for no reason or purpose whatsoever.
With that out of the way, let’s take a look at how women function in the give-and-take dynamic of relationships. It’s a bit crazier than you might have imagined!
1. Women are natural “givers” in relationships.
Simply put, the default position for a woman is to give to the others in their life; that is, to give to their friends, family, spouse/boyfriend, loved ones, and sure, even Mr. Kitty. This giving can take all kinds of forms, including emotional giving (being there through tough times), financial giving (giving gifts as congratulations for small accomplishments), or even physical giving (who couldn’t use another hug!). This need inside women to continue to pour into others is one factor that drives many women to have so many friendships, and can be a truly remarkable thing to behold. I think we all know that person who’s an extremely selfless and giving person, and we usually hold those people in high regard (woman or otherwise).
While not all women constantly “give, give, give” to the people in their lives (one reason being constantly giving isn’t at all healthy by any means!), many do so since it’s again the “default” position for many women. It’s simply how they’re programmed. And the message here is this: that’s okay, that’s perfectly fine – but there’s going to be a word I’m going to toss out here, and that’s “awareness.” Women need to have awareness of their own needs, and if they’re being met or not.
Now, giving to others is often meeting a need that a woman has inside too, but sometimes “taking” is often a need as well, and that can’t be forgotten amidst the business of life. “Taking” isn’t a dirty word here – we’re simply talking about accepting and occasionally requesting assistance and support from others, instead of constantly doling it out to those around us on a daily basis. And men serve an important role in this area, as they can serve as a check-and-balance for when women fail at the awareness of their own needs. Everyone from time to time has a difficult time stepping outside of themselves, and if we’re not careful it’s possible to fall into a self-destructive cycle of behavior very quickly where we’re not taking enough time for ourselves and instead giving everything we have to everyone else. Women are certainly not the only ones who fall into this cycle, but do so more often of the two genders in my experience.
2. Giving can become habitual and affect self-worth.
A long time period filled with repeated events of taking care of only other people often builds resentment (the big “R” word), which not only starts a cycle of resentment in the life of the woman, but also likely builds a whole new dynamic into the relationship and/or family unit where the “new norm” now is that the woman doesn’t have any needs, and the men can simply focus on themselves now and no one else – and now life has become a whole lot easier for them (artificially of course, and not without a cost).
Such a cycle being created can do devastating harm to a woman’s self-worth, creating a sense that they aren’t worth enough to be able to even ask their family for small things any longer, even something as small as a little time to themselves. Surprisingly, this will often occur amidst such hypocrisy as other family members taking copious amounts of time and resources for themselves, with the woman often having little to none for themselves.
What I do not want to do here is paint all or even some women as victims (though I will admit that that does happen and that some women are in situations where they are victimized). What I do want to point out here is that women’s default nature starts off well and good, and creates great feelings and perceptions on behalf of the people who interact with them. However, if the people who do interact with them lack the awareness of the woman’s needs dynamic, and the people on the receiving end do not appreciate being on the receiving end, take it for granted, and start to expect that new dynamic from now on, the woman’s needs of “give, give, give” can often turn into “give, resent, give” over a surprisingly short period of time. Loved ones, check in with your women from time to time with this small question: “How are your needs lately? And be honest!”
3. Women are also “responders” – so men, take the lead!
If I had to pick one thing to share with men about women and their needs, it would be this: women often respond to the actions of the men in their lives, for better or for worse. This has nothing to do with “submitting” to the man/boyfriend/husband, or having the man “lead” in the relationship, since each of those words are more active in nature. When we’re talking about “responding,” we’re talking more about a subconscious act that’s taking place, certainly something that the women usually aren’t aware of.
Let’s look at an example. A married woman is at home working as usual in her telecommuting position. She takes a quick 15 minute break and decides to get a quick snack. During that time, she starts to think about what to cook for dinner that night, what to do with the kids when they get home, what TV show to watch that night, and maybe if she should say yes or no to the standing invitation from one of her friends. At this time, the husband is not currently on the wife’s mind, and nobody would necessarily fault her for that. Now, let’s say instead of getting a snack, on the way to the kitchen the wife sees the flowers that her husband got her last night on the kitchen table. Thoughts of the husband are now in the wife’s head, and she begins to “react” and starts to think of how wonderful the husband is and what nice thing she might want to do for him when he gets home from work. In fact, the woman might now be thinking of the husband’s needs many more times over this next week due to this one small sign of affection.
However, on the flip side, an absence of thoughtful expressions of affection from the husband over a long period of time can have much the opposite effect, where the wife is now no longer thinking about the husband much, since there isn’t as much to “respond” to like there used to be. Affectionate gifts are hardly the only thing that women respond to in life from men (compliments, actions, and leadership by example being among the others), but this is certainly one textbook example. Moral of the story: men, would you like your significant other to start being more affectionate in your relationship? Perhaps you need to take a moment and ask yourself the last time you were affectionate to them, and stop using the excuse that you always have the be the one to initiate. It’s just how many women are – trust me, they’re worth it!
4. Women often struggle with trust issues more than men.
If you polled a group of women on what they would find important in a new relationship, I bet you would find a couple of these topics come up: loyalty, commitment, trust, and connection. Not that men don’t look for these, but I’m not so sure that these rank as highly for men as they do for women (especially in the beginning), and as such men in particular need to be aware of how important these needs are. Practically speaking, this means that many women are looking for their significant other to “prove” themselves in the formative stages of the relationship to build the trust and rapport necessary for them to feel that they can open up and invest themselves in an open and non-judgmental environment. Put whatever ethical judgments you’d like on this dynamic, but it happens quite frequently, and one perspective might be that this is one (if the not the biggest) pride exercise a man might have to go through in order to “win over” the woman (because as well all know, men, women are indeed worth winning over!). I would argue that the more a man has to “check” his pride at the door, and instead show his true colors and his vulnerability, the more he is both going to prepare himself emotionally for the relationship, and at the same time show the woman how awesome he is. Win-win :-)
Oh, and by the way, the source of those trust issues? Oftentimes it comes from women being burned time and time again from horrible relationships in the past. Remember just a few paragraphs up about how women often get in a cycle of giving without the getting? Well, sometimes women wake up and realize they’re worth being on the receiving end every once in a while, but as is often the case though in situations such as these, baggage is often the result of such past relationships, and thus trust issues are created. So men: I can completely relate to possible feelings of resentment in the early parts of a relationship where maybe you feel you didn’t do anything to earn the “hoops” you’re having to jump through in order to win over the affection of your loved one, but consider this: insecurities are at play here, and trauma is at play here, and you are at the center of it all. Are you going to play a role in healing the insecurities and trauma, or are you going to force it deeper?
5. Lastly, women can’t stand emotional “games.”
I think we all know what relational games are, but for the uninitiated: such games are essentially minor manipulations on behalf of one person to get the other person to either do something you want them to do, or to be confused or “thrown off” their game so that you can now more easily control their actions in the future. An example: you’ll say “no” when your new girlfriend asks you if you want to go out Friday night, just so they’ll wonder if you really like them or not, and then right when you think they might start to date again, you then call them and ask them to go out. You keep her off balance, desperate for your affection, and basically confused as to the status of the relationship at every point.
The nice thing here: the new generations aren’t having any of this. You can say a lot about millennials, but one thing that they excel at is authenticity compared to previous generations. It wouldn’t really occur to the modern millennial to play a game since such manipulations seem trivial and boring, whereas connection is the real value that they uphold. But for previous generations (and the new ones that still cling to previous generational ideas): please, do not play games. Trust me on this one, there will never be a time in which playing a relationship game will ever turn out in your favor in the long run, or will “meet a need” that a woman has.
Let’s also take a quick moment to touch base on women’s unique characteristics in this area: women seem to be more susceptible to emotional games than men are, probably due to their higher values around connection, and due to the less compartmentalized nature of their brains vs. that of men’s. While this could be a blog post in and of itself, women can get VERY confused about the status of a relationship when games are being played, and it’s very sad to see. There’s nothing worse than a woman putting their all into a relationship, only to see the guy taking advantage of them and emotionally manipulating them at every point. One of women’s greatest advantages, that of being sensitive to other’s emotions, is often a great hindrance as well, and playing games can prey on this hindrance from a very real and very underhanded fashion.
Now, that’s not to say that we all shouldn’t be cognizant of relationship norms. For example, it’s just creepy to call a girl an hour after the first date for a second date. Let’s at least give it 24 hours there sir. There is a huge difference between being sensitive to relationship norms, and actively trying to manipulate a women for your own emotional gains. A healthy give-and-take in a relationship is all about balance, and a relational game is the definition of imbalance.
How can you as the man in the relationship better respect and acknowledge your woman’s needs and develop a more balanced give-and-take in your relationship? How can you as the woman in the relationship develop a greater sense of self-worth and start to ask for more equal treatment around giving vs. taking? As always, comment below and share your thoughts.
