Listening is of course vitally important in any healthy relationship, yet it’s unfortunately so rare in society. Not rare necessarily because we don’t know how to do it; rather, we don’t know how to do it well, and we are ignorant of why it’s so important.
If you have a moment to “listen” to a blog post, I would love the opportunity to convince you that listening may be slightly more important than you might have thought, and that it takes energy and skill to do effectively.
Check out the five points below and let me know what you think in the comments!
1. People need to be listened to.
In life, there are needs, and there are wants. Needs are the things that without, we would either not be able to survive, or that we would end up lacking (such as vital elements of our emotional desires). Wants are those things that are mostly just nice in life to have, and of course some wants are more important than others. A “need” might be a roof over your head, or even a spouse to share a life with. Perhaps a feeling of love and companionship, or a sense of emotional security and knowing that no harm will come to you where you are at. A “want” might be a new car, a computer to replace the one that you bought in the 90’s, or a nice shopping spree at Sephora (not that I have any experience with that being married and all).
Simply put, the need to be listened to is just that – a need. It’s something that without, just like any need, a person will not feel whole until they get that need met. The example here is the funny (or not) story of the wife who verbally assaults the husband right when he gets home from work, going through every aspect of her day before he has time to take his shoes off. While extreme, it illustrates the fact we can’t go it alone in life, and that the sharing of experiences with another individual brings about a wide range of emotions: fulfillment, validation, connection, hope, and many others.
People need to connect with other people through the use of language – spoken or otherwise. Do not underestimate that need when you’re with others, especially loved ones.
2. Listening is a weapon – use it carefully.
If you’ve ever heard the phrase “killing them with kindness,” then you’re well prepared to get the gist of this point. Listening is something that you can do to actively combat certain behaviors that you might encounter in life.
Case in point: there is a role known as the “executive manager” at resort hotels across the nation. The executive manager’s job is to be the “face” of management and the resort to guests, and as such they get the dubious honor of handling escalated and angry guest complaints. Having worked in the resort industry myself, I would ask some of them how they would be able to get through the day sometimes (having to deal with guests like those so regularly), and how they would be so effective in their job. The answer was the same every time – they listened.
They listened so long that sometimes people would exhaust themselves, and when they finally came up for breath the manager would then be able to address the concerns. Notice, though, that listening had to come before there was any chance of helping the person, not after. It was a foundational piece, and one that couldn’t be skipped.
Practically, then, how does this apply to us outside of the resort industry? Simple. The next time you are in a conflict with someone, say a boss at work or a spouse at home, consider pulling out one of your weapons that you have to deal with conflict, and you guessed it, that would be listening. Actively listen to their concerns before you mention your own, and even ask additional probing questions so that you fully understand the extent of their concerns. Consider repeating the concerns back to them to ensure understanding, and then apologize for their inconvenience or bad feelings (more on that later). And now that that’s out of the way, they will be MUCH more receptive to your concerns, and they might just feel a tad bit guilty if they don’t show the same amount of concern for you as you did for them.
3. Listening effectively means actively listening.
We come to the hardest part by far, the term “active listening.” If you’re not familiar with the term, it refers to listening with a purpose, ensuring that not only is every word heard but the context is understood as well; as opposed to “passive listening,” which refers to listening while performing another activity, or perhaps not catching every word the person said (either due to a lack of focus or perhaps thinking about a “more important” topic).
Active listening is something you “do” (referring to the “active” part of it), rather than something that “happens” to you. When actively listening, you are choosing consciously to listen to the individual or individuals in front of you, and putting any other distractions aside. I’m not sure if this sounds easy or not to you the reader, but I can assure you it is anything but. This is a skill to master, to be sure, and like all skills it requires experience to get really good at.
The best piece of advice I can give you to help practice active listening is this: go into the next conversation you have with a desire to be “in the moment.” Shut out anything else that you might be thinking about, and don’t try to focus on what you’re going to say next after the other person is done talking. Focus instead on their words, tone, mannerisms (if in person), and other clues that can help you truly understand what they’re expressing. I can guarantee you that they will pick up on it, and if it’s something they haven’t seen from you in a while, they might wonder if you’re okay :-)
4. Empathy and listening go hand in hand.
Obviously in a conflict-type scenario, most people are concerned with their argument and reasoning, as well as how much of the “blame” they share in the given scenario. However, I would submit that whether or not you share in the blame of what’s being discussed, the first step in showing empathy towards someone else is at the very least feeling bad that they feel bad. Empathy is all about showing the person that you care, that you are there for them, and that you are willing to hear them out and discuss the situation with an open mind.
That last part is where listening comes in. You can’t hear someone out until you “hear” them, and effectively hearing someone brings up that active listening topic again, where you are attempting to really listen to the true concerns they’re bringing up, and by doing so you show them that you have concern for their emotions. I think it goes a little something like this:
Active listening + feeling bad that they feel bad – worrying about if you’re to blame = the first step of empathy
The next time you get into an argument with a loved one (or even an acquaintance), consider that listening to their concerns and expressing empathy can show that you care about their well-being, and that they are important to you.
5. Listening allows each of you to be involved.
Many people perceive listening to be a one-way activity: one person is speaking and performing the “doing,” whereas the other person is the one listening and is the one “not doing” something. However, when one is actively listening, I would submit that that takes just as much energy (if not more) than the one who is speaking. By listening to the other individual, you are doing more than just sitting or standing there – you are engaging with them, sharing an experience together and meeting a vital need for that individual (usually). Consider how listening is in actuality a two-way activity where there are two participants requiring two sets of skills.
Practically speaking, this means that you are involving yourself in their life, but why is this important? It’s important because modern life completely revolves around this idea of involvement. Good teachers try to involve their students in workshops and activities instead of lecturing for an hour so that the students will remember what they learn more effectively. Movies and video games stretch the limits of technology and storytelling to keep us on the edge of our seats so that we are involved in the excitement. Newscasts literally read off Facebook and Twitter messages on the air so that viewers can feel that they are involved in even the news itself.
Whether or not you believe the need to be involved in lives and society is just a fad or not, what is reality is that people in this day and age need to be involved, and you can make that happen – just by listening.
How you can you be a better listener this week? What is one thing that you learned from this article that you can put into practice immediately? Is there any situation in which listening can actually be detrimental or harmful? Post below!
