One of the healthiest things that we can do in life is setting up healthy boundaries for the issues that we’ll face down the road.  This concept really revolves around the idea of “self-care,” or the idea that we need to actually focus on taking care of ourselves sometimes, instead of solely focusing on others’ needs one hundred percent of the time (I’m looking at you people pleasers!).  The underlying assumption in self-care, of course, is that in order for us to take care of others and meet others’ needs, our own needs need to be met first (at least partially).  Without the energy and motivation to help people, our own efforts to try to help will become ineffective or simply fall flat on its face (and often will lead to resentment around others not doing more to build us up).

Where do boundaries come into all of this?  Boundaries are a key component of self-care, and in order to set them up right you’ve got to know where to begin.  Below are ten steps to get you started in setting up effective and healthy boundaries in your life and in your relationships.

1. First understand what “boundaries” are.

My own personal definition of a boundary is “a proactive and predetermined rule or course of action.”  Simple as that.  The first part speaks to the fact that a boundary is created ahead of time, before a particular situation begins.  The second part speaks to what a boundary is, and can be understood as simply deciding what you will do in a particular scenario.  An example:  “I won’t accept anything less than a five percent raise when I see my boss next,” or “I will say yes the next time a friend calls to hang out.”  Boundaries aren’t complex, but they are important!

2. Boundaries do no good if created on the spot.

Example:  there is a person at your workplace who continues to insult you when they interact with you.  You decide to create a boundary that you will report the person to your supervisor the next time they decide to treat you poorly.  This course of action (or boundary) is decided ahead of time and prevents you from having to decide what to do in the heat of the moment (where you might not be at your best or when emotions are flying high).

3. Boundaries are all about breadth, not depth.

In my opinion, it’s much more important to have a wide variety of boundaries covering numerous life and relationship scenarios than it is to think too much about any one boundary.  If this seems counter intuitive, remember that boundaries are there to ensure proper self-care (preventing others from bringing you down, sapping your emotional strength, and bringing you to a mental place that is simply unhealthy).  Good self-care must develop from all aspects of your life:  physical, mental, career, financial, relational, educational, and more.  This means more boundaries, not less, so get creating!

4. Boundaries can be small, so don’t overthink it!

A boundary can literally be one sentence, such as “I will not loan movies to my untrustworthy friends again” or “I don’t have to say yes every time a friend calls me to hang out (and I won’t feel guilty if I say no!).”  A career boundary might be “I see clients by appointment only unless it’s an emergency.”  If you’re spending too much time thinking about boundaries, you’re doing it wrong!

5. Unless it’s important…

Of course, the one time you DO want to overthink a boundary is when it’s important – an excellent example being a boundary for a spouse or family member.  Say you have a trip planned to meet a family member in another state that you don’t exactly get along with very well.  Spending some time thinking about proper boundaries in a unique scenario like that might very well be worth your time, since planning can make all the difference in conflict scenarios.

6. It’s easy to split boundaries up in categories, but relationships are usually priority number one.

The best way to establish boundaries for someone who doesn’t have much practice doing so is writing down the categories in life that are important and applicable to them.  Having a category of “educational boundaries” won’t matter too much to someone who isn’t in school, but “financial boundaries” might be much more relevant.  However, no matter how many categories you create, relationships will usually be at the top of the list, simply because relationships are among the hardest dynamics to navigate in life – one reason being that relationships can actually talk back and respond to your boundaries, whereas money cannot.

7. Boundaries can seem selfish, and that’s okay.

When people start to read about boundaries and self-care for the first time, their initial reaction is often that boundaries are all about looking out for numero uno, and not their “fellow man.”  And even though boundaries can be seen in that light, really anything that we do could be seen as selfish.  Eating is selfish (couldn’t that food go to someone who’s starving?), education is selfish (couldn’t you be teaching and mentoring others instead?), and even relationships can be selfish (did you first meet your significant other for the sole purpose of meeting their needs?).  The point is, we humans act in “motivated self-interest,” which isn’t always evil or something to be avoided.  Rather, helping others is a fantastic goal, but again, we need to understand that we have needs too, and such needs need to be met before we can fully invest in others in a way that will be most effective in meeting their needs.

8. People often react negatively to boundaries, but usually respect them.

How would you feel about a small business owner who sold products with an unlimited return policy, or allowed you to choose what price to pay for any product they sold?  Nice huh?  Sure, but would you respect such a business owner?  No – you’d feel they were foolish to institute such bad business decisions.  Now of course nobody likes having to pay full price for things, or get turned away when you wanted to return something after 30 days have gone by, but such business boundaries are normal in life, we respect them, we understand them, and yes we even fuss about them.  In fact, we humans do a lot of fussing and complaining about the boundaries we run into in life (my friend said they were “busy” when I called, hmph!), but we usually still obey and follow them in the end.  Remember that the next time you wonder if one of your boundaries will be respected – or followed.

9. Boundaries take practice, and aren’t easy to put into practice.

While boundaries are relatively easy when created in private (“I’ll only see my relatives once a month instead of once a week like they want”), it’s a little harder putting them into actual practice.  Wait until dad wants to drop by for lunch when you had a relaxing day planned, and now it’s your job to put that boundary in place.  There’s not going to be any guilt trips that come into play, right?  So of course boundaries aren’t always easy in reality, but like anything it becomes a bit easier over time, and the people on the receiving end will start to change the way they react with you as well once they realize their old tricks might not work anymore (after a bit of fussing, of course!)

10. Above all, remember that boundaries are vital to a healthy you!

I’ve run into more than a few people in life who proudly state loud and clear that they have no boundaries, since they’re an open book, get along with everyone, and focus on others much more than they focus on themselves.  Such prideful comments are no doubt inspiring in the short-term, yet profoundly emotionally unhealthy in the long-term.  Besides, whether they know it or not they probably have boundaries of their own, but simply can’t identify them (or are ignorant of what boundaries truly are).  I would argue that the more you identify the current boundaries you already have, and then start to add more into your life, the more you’ll be able to solidify a healthy (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually) you, which can then be unleashed! onto others, living out the truly selfless and empowered person you know you are – and strive to always be!

Do you have effective boundaries in your life?  Even if you do, could now be a good time to take a second look at them and see if a refresher is needed?  How can you “diplomatically” express boundaries to the people in your life to help them understand where you’re coming from and minimize conflict?  Feel free to comment below!